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Walking by faith is something easy to say, but hard to do especially when things don't go as planned. But we try all the same, and I'm no exception. This blog is in some ways cathartic, in others a means for me to pen my thoughts and struggles as I walk this life and learn to trust God more with each passing day.


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skin by: Jane
Saturday, November 22, 2008 @ 9:46 AM
level up

At supper with the cell group and friends after the Asia Conference, a bunch of us seated towards the corner of the long table faced a difficult situation.

*stares longingly at the middle section of the long table, where allll the orh lua, ngoh hiang and even stingray were*

*stares back at our own part of the table where only sugar cane juices stood*

(very thoughtfully, kokboon our 'new friend' said) 'Wah. Eh I think we need to level up lah. Come on lets order lobster.'




'Without the meat. '

We burst out laughing, but then the words 'level up' kept playing in my mind.

Many times after SOT graduation, and even when university started I've been asking this question. How can I level up?

No doubt about it, I'm more than happy if you ask me to stay where I am, to revel in the blessings that God has been so gracious to give me. Just sleep, eat, and be happy. Isn't that what life is about?

But my heart won't rest staying here. In a treadmill, running and reaping benefits for myself without really moving forward.

I don't know if what I think needed to be broken, broke at the service today, but my heart was moved at the humanitarian efforts championed by individuals who could very well stay where they are and just be happy, but bothered to go the extra mile.

One step at a time. For now it's back to property. haha



Monday, November 17, 2008 @ 11:59 PM
let's try this

It's hard to walk in faith when you have a truckload of revision to do, your own expectations to meet and Asia Conference screaming out to you to go for.

Rewind last semester, when valiantly I went ahead with Bible school in the midst of study week and it seemed so easy.

Actually, was it easy? All I remember was a small voice inside telling me that everything was going to be alright, and I stepped out with that inner consolation.

Now, I don't hear a thing. No small voice, no valiant feeling. And as I was reviewing whatever I have left to revise, I honestly feared.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
Lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall make your paths smooth and straight.

Yes, I know.

You don't.

Then like clockwork I had these two equations surfacing in my mind:

Acknowledge = appreciation
make your paths smooth and straight = the shortest, most efficient way of getting to a destination

In other words, if I were to rephrase the above to an applicable life (of a student) principle, it should say...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart as you do your revision;
Lean not on your own understanding of how far you are going, or how little you have accomplished,
In all your revision appreciate His grace, wisdom and presence within you,
And He will help you to get good grades in the smoothest, shortest and most efficient way.


Get back to me in three weeks if you want to find out whether this formula works, because I'm going to use it, starting from now.



Saturday, November 15, 2008 @ 8:56 AM
Back to say thank you

The original intention was for me to make this blog readable after the exams, but ah well it doesn't take too long to type this entry, and I shall hit the books after fifteen minutes from now. *starts the clock*

First things first, I turned twenty yesterday, and it was just about the best birthday I have ever experienced, and I think I told this to a gazillion people already but I wanted to make my point here so that ten years down the road I can read this and smile stupidly to myself like what I'm doing now.

Thursday

Financial accounting in the morning, and it was just like any other morning - me frowning at the journal entries in the textbook trying to figure out why the heck premium on bonds payable is a debit (or is it credit?), jen focused on the computer beside me, bernadette hunched over her work, and prof Lim very earnestly explaining to us the reason why we have to times present value annuity and not present value of one dollar to the particular number. Class ended early (it was the last class already), and then it was studying at the course reserve until property lessons later in the afternoon.

Now exams are just around the corner, and in my mind the impending truckload of revision waiting for me to pore through took a bit of a toll in me. Didn't seem to think much of a twentieth birthday - 'birthdays happen every year, it's nothing special... ' - and that ran through my mind a couple of times before 14th Nov. I think it was a intuitive psychological reaction to a birthday that happens in the midst of the most crucial period of a student's life - preparation for the end-year exams.

Janejane surprised me when she tied a ballon to the back of my chair while I took forty winks in the library. It was helium, bright blue and rather big, so as I walked down the corridors holding it, I couldn't help but feel a little self-conscious. But 'that's the point!', she emphasised, 'everyone looks at you!'. This horse sure knows how to attract attention. ;)

In the middle of property, Nick sent an email. 'xh, I just saw that it's your birthday tomorrow, on FB?! How are you gg to celebrate?', to which I replied something like 'oh.. haha no lah not celebrating, it's the exams! boohoo. after exams loh.' with a slight wistful feeling in my heart.

Was supposed to have dinner with Jane, Eunice and Russell that evening - a modest way to celebrate a birthday - but Russ ps-ed (and I cannot deny that I was slightly upset haha) - so it was just the three of us. Throughout we talked mostly about academic work, what to study how little time we have left how we're going to study... and i remember saying, 'later i'm going to chiong CLS (a mod we're taking,short for comparative legal systems), 830 to 1130pm!' to which the both of them nodded very seriously. I had a strong resolve to do some solid revision that night.

Dinner was a hurried affair (we had to study, rmbr), and I thought it was sweet of Eunice when she offered to take the bus with me back home; her mum would pick her up at my place. Then funny things started to happen.

#1

Dad called, sounding tired and rather grumpy, 'where are you.. your friends are here. faster come back.'

#2

Cindy (my cell leader) smsed, 'how's the birthday surprise??'

But me being me, I remained quite oblivious to the fact that something amazing was waiting for me at home, and was just thinking to myself and to Eunice, who can those few friends be? Ah well... can't be from jc or smu, should be a few old friends not busy this period.

Ran up to my place (because Eunice needed to use to toilet, apparently), opened the door -


And the rest was history.


Haha okay I can sum up. Turned out everyone whom I thought couldn't and wouldn't give celebrating my birthday much thought because of exams and other committments came over to my place just to surprise me, pooled money to get an acoustic guitar (something I've wanted for THE LONGEST TIME but didn't get because I couldn't bear to spend so much), got the best food from all over SG to satisfy my perpetual hunger pangs, and made me feel so loved.

Seeing God Through Love

12 No one has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us.

1 John 4:12

As we laughed, ate and sang songs on the awesome guitar, He impressed upon my heart the verse above, and at that moment I almost teared at the realization of how much these friends cared.

Before I hit the books (jialat, half an hour has passed), let me do something:

Thank you, to...

My family - for seeing me through 20 years of my existence. not easy feeding me but you did it. I love you. Qian, jie is very happy that you are who you are today. thank you for the make-up, it looks goooood. Fifteen years old already know how to buy make up. Jie twenty already still don't know. Sigh. haha.

Jen - you have no idea how much your smiles, hugs and words sustained my spirits this semester, and i appreciate SO MUCH the time and the effort you put in just to co-ordinate this. thank you for the love.

Eunice - you are a very special girl, not understood and appreciated by many, but certainly by me. thank you for making thursday night possible, even though you were sick and lagging in revision (like many of us.) no fear for exams k?

Russ - my strong pillar, not always visible (haha) but i know you're always standing by me. thank you for walking to the ends of the earth to hunt for the guitar... the sound feels like heaven. Literally.

Jane - buy hokkien mee for your family ah... great excuse. ;) remember to stick to resolution 101 k! and i will stick to resolution 102 - to be more than a convenient friend and to go the second mile for people. haha. you have grown in the Lord from a pony, to a horse, and soon a gorgeous stallion, and I am super proud of you! thank you.

Nat, Elg, Nick, Jac, Ginny, Mike, Mich - My inner circle in law school, your presence at my place spoke a thousand words, really. Just knowing you guys sacrificed the time when it could have been spent reading on mortgages, companies and bonds makes my heart melt.

Roy, Mav, Rhoda, Jiahao - I've missed you guys so much ever since university days began, and my heart just flew right into the sky when i saw you. thank you for taking the time despite the exams, mav and rhod.

Siew - what can I say? the one person I am eternally grateful for, and always will be inspired by. exams are near but i know you'll emerge victorious however difficult, because we are His children. thank you for taking the time.

Yihan - thank you for playing 'happy birthday' when I came into the house! haha you shocked me very successfully. and the poetry was beautiful, as always.

Counterpart - reading the card you sent lifted my soul. you have a way of making people feel so appreciated, and i just want to say that you are as precious a friend to me too, though we hardly had the time to meet the past few months. sentosa in dec with my new guitar k? ;)

Cindy, Rou, Char, Matt, Mal, Mien, Jo and W452 - the bag and the foundation are ESSENTIALS, thank you. rest assured that I will use them to their full functionality, haha. thank you for making City Harvest my home church, and reminding me that the house of God is so much more than a concrete building - it is you guys, week after week.

Leo - the long distance phone call was a big WHOA! haha... and the card. you were so right with the blur look, i seriously didn't get the joke written on its cover. explain to me when you get back k? thank you for remembering.

Nana - i don't know if you'll ever get to read this, but thank you, for being a second mum to me since i was two. and always calling home, though many times i was not available to answer.. the card reminded me that i have been too lazy in sending you pictures of what's happening over here. thank you, for loving qian and me still, despite the distance... and we love you too.

Bern, and Gene - FA is not that horrendous, partly because of you two and jen. Bern, you are a force to reckon with, and your cookies and the drawing and the card melt my heart. thank you.

Kokboon, Christine, Kimberly, Wenting, Jianwei, Shuqi, Nani, Luan - for the greetings, and pooling in for the guitar. I think I've said I loved the guitar more than ten times this entry. Jokes. But it's true.

Facebook, and the smses - for the many many birthday greetings, short and simple but reminding me that even the friends whom I hardly see and talk to care to drop by.

And finally, finally...

My loving Father, Jesus Christ.



She came to the ball prepared. She was beautiful in a striking gown that shimmered like starlight. She spent hours getting herself ready - her hair, her dress, her heart. As they reached the dance floor, she expresses her fear of dancing with the King before the eyes of others. 'We wouldn't want to end up in a heap, ' she says.

He answers, 'I am King. I will lead. '