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Walking by faith is something easy to say, but hard to do especially when things don't go as planned. But we try all the same, and I'm no exception. This blog is in some ways cathartic, in others a means for me to pen my thoughts and struggles as I walk this life and learn to trust God more with each passing day.


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skin by: Jane
Monday, February 26, 2007 @ 4:15 PM
friday

So it's confirmed. This friday it will be.


Not that these things never ran through my mind, but now it seems they're running through every available amount of brain space.


The W-H-A-T I-F-S.


What if I got A A A A A1? (that's nice to fantasize about.)
Or A A A B A1 (that's very nice to think about too.)
Or A A A B A2 (well that's nice, that's okay, cool...)
Or A A B B B3 (why why why did I keep my four subjects? but that's okay lah I suppose..)
Or A A B C B3 ( I should have dropped that toopid subject. urgh.)
Or A B C D B4 ( Oh... oh. oh. )
Or B B B B C5 ( *heart sinks* )


I can go on for ten thousand other permutations (or is it combinations? ), but then I'll start to hyperventilate and that wouldn't be too pleasant.


Right now I can just feel a nudging that tells me to live by faith and not by fear.


Yes. Alright. Okay. I can do this. A few more days, I know I can.


If you're experiencing the same desperate speculation that is mixed with some extent of excitement as well as a certain degree of dread, you are really not the only one.


But I'm thankful to have Him with me as I'm feeling all this. Somehow His nudging never fails to turn the chaos within down a notch.


Everything might change after friday, everything might not, but whatever it is, I'm assured of one thing - that I can always turn to Him for a kind of comfort that noone else can give. And that alone is enough to tide me through to this friday, and life way beyond this friday.


How many 'friday's have I typed already? It shows something, huh.


Have to get back to some overdue work, thanks to the lazy monster living in the dark lair of my head. The next entry might very well show up this friday.


friday. friday. friday. What a wonderful day it will be. friday. friday... oh no what if -


Just shut me up.



Thursday, February 22, 2007 @ 10:35 AM
the fulfilment factor

' All that stuff about needing to find a job that you love is overstated. Research shows your level of optimism and quality of relationships impact your happiness more than your job does... (this is the reason we should not sit at home and try to guess what career to pick, but instead we should just get off the chair and start trying stuff.)...There is good research to show that a wide range of jobs can accommodate you in a way where you can find happiness. And there is good research to show that finding 'the perfect' job will not be the thing to make you happy. '

-in ' The Fulfilment Factor ' (yesterday's mind your body)


This is bad news. I now have the feeling that I have been on a mental see-saw regarding my future career for nothing.


I lack some spontaneity, I feel. Thanks to this article, I think I should cut my mulling-over-future-career thoughts by 80% (because I know I can't stop thinking about it totally) and start trying out different things.


Currently, I am still working on the project-based job. It's progressing quite smoothly; we just created our first exercise to be tested on Dr Chiang's (he's our employer) students in his tuition centre. The past 1 and 1/2 months working on this book, I've picked up some useful things.


Back in JC, my take on entrepreneurship was: boring, risky, not too worth it. How simplistic that was, to think of it now.


Entrepreneurship really is (at least this is what I've gathered working with a cool businessman) about being adventurous, something Dr Chiang embodies - his ideas, at first, seem crazy sometimes but they grow on you after awhile - and thinking hard about the entire process of creating, marketing and selling even before each stage begins. The job exposed me to how conservative I was, and how wary I could be to new and different ideas. More importantly, how I was unprepared to step out. Entrepreneurship is all about stepping out. Stepping out of the box to try things people haven't done before, stepping out of the comfort zone, to take calculated risks. It isn't easy, but then again, who said success was easy?


This job is growing on me. The thought that what we create may very possibly impact many students in the marketplace in a good way just generates this fuzzy, nice sensation within. Never imagined I might do that so soon, but ever since Dr Chiang told us that the exercises would be tested on his students, that possiblity surfaced and I couldn't help but feel this rush of excitement. I might impact the marketplace. I might be en route to fulfilling the cultural mandate - engaging culture in a way God wants me to.


Not to mention the fact that I'm working with two of the dearest people around me. =)


After results day, maybe some business course would be one of my choices. This would have never happened if I didn't taken up this job. The article's right -'(this is the reason we should not sit at home and try to guess what career to pick, but instead we should just get off the chair and start trying stuff.)...There is good research to show that a wide range of jobs can accommodate you in a way where you can find happiness. And there is good research to show that finding 'the perfect' job will not be the thing to make you happy. '.


Perhaps I should try out something science-related in March/April. Lab work? Something engineering related?


Err... perhaps only lah.



Thursday, February 15, 2007 @ 3:32 PM
The Diary Of A Potential Domestic Goddess

There. If some producer approached me to do a teevee series, that'll be the title.


Alright, I should stop dreaming. Mum's on leave this entire week leading up to Chinese New Year, and these few days I have been at her beck and call, assuming quite a lot of household work I wouldn't have bothered about the last seventeen years. Maybe it's my own imagination (I seriously hope not!) but I can feel my arm muscles tightening from all the new-curtain-hanging plus fan-wiping plus truckloads-of-grocery-carrying and random housework which can be quite enjoyable - food tasting, for example. But obviously food tasting doesn't tighten my arm muscles lah.


It seems these few weeks I have embarked on a how-to-be-a-potential-domestic-goddess course. Being domestic isn't easy AT ALL! I attempted to cook dinner for the family about a week or so ago, and let's just say it, erm, turned out quite disastrous. Despite following the recipe for yummy green beans and steamed fish on a cookbook to the minutest detail. Cleaning toilets too - I detest it, really detest it. All the muck and hair and - eww eww.


Not to mention the fact that trying to be domestic encompasses learning how to speak Hainanese better - for me, at least, since popo lives next door and I take care of her sometimes. Right now, I know only very basic Hainanese, which I am honestly quite ashamed of.


Me: 'okay mummy! from today - how to say from today in Hainanese ah?'

Mum: 'Kin nua hee.'

Me: ' okay kin nua hee, I want to learn Hainanese - how to say?'

Mum: ' Nong Beh ohh Hai Nam Where! '

Me: *stunned*

' Kin nua beh -- Kin ni nah -- ' (suddenly I was aware it sounded like kah nee nah, which is quite vulgar)

Mum: ' What Kin nua beh Kin ni nah!! You think Hokkien ah?? '

Me: okay I don't want to learn this! How to say one to ten in Hainanese?

Mum: *bored* Jiag, noh, dah, dee, ngowh, lak, seet, booi, kow, dap.

Me: *stunned*



'okay mummy so what's for dinner?'



So the learning continues (still stuck at one to ten now), and hopefully I can string more cheem sentences in Hainanese sometime soon.


Back to learning how to cook. I long and yearn and desire to be a good cook by the time I am 21, so as Mum cooks dinner these days I pick up things here and there. And when I eat at the market I try to distinguish what goes into the food.


I did the latter this morning.


Me: (eating bittergourd cooked very nicely) 'mummy ah, when we cook veggies at home must put a lot of kiam hirr (salted something) cos all these veggies have them leh!'

Mum: *frowns*


'What kiam hirr! Heh bee (dried baby prawns) lah!'


Oops. Looks like I have a long way to go before I qualify as a domestic goddess.



Tuesday, February 13, 2007 @ 11:52 PM
sun fun






nani nanger -- ahem never mind. diva alert!








desperate for a tan, we were.














attempt to take a jump pic #1




#2



#3






=)love s08 and the elits.



Sunday, February 11, 2007 @ 11:22 PM
food and family

There are two things in my life that are taking precedence at the moment. They distract me from time to time - actually all the time, and when I start, I can't really stop.




The pineapple tart. Pineapple tarts make my knees wobbly. I don't like the pineapple part to be too huge though; they'll look like oversized tumours, and taste a bit like them too. The one above was slight tumourish, but I liked the crust, so all was forgiven.




I always think bak kwa looks ugly. In fact as I look at this picture now I am a bit disgusted. No matter. They are so so addictive, I can't stand them. It's a love-hate relationship, really.


Looks like the Year of the Pig is an apt year to be indeed - as least for me it is.


I think for many of us, the excitement and buzz that comes with Chinese New Year fizzes out as we grow older. What used to be the most anticipated time of the year - with new clothes, decorations, cousins to play with - now becomes a festivity that isn't all that awesome after all.


For me, I guess part of the reason for the lost appeal of the celebration is nainai (my dad's mother) who passed away when I took my O levels. After that year, my family hasn't gone back to Kluang - a state in Malaysia - to visit our paternal relatives. I used to dread the long bus rides when I was younger, and it is worse for my sister because she has really bad memories there (she left her beloved stuffed dog at this forsaken bus station and cried the entire journey home because we couldn't find it anymore when we went back to find it). But now, I feel I - we - ought to go back. It doesn't feel right, not visiting.


But for some reasons my Dad is reluctant to do so. And as much as I respect him I frown at this, and wonder if he will ever go back there in his entire lifetime. I might do it myself when I am old enough, if he doesn't.


If there's something jarring about my family and relatives, it is how much some of its members care about their face. I'm talking about pride. Two of my uncles don't talk to each other - they haven't done so since they were my age - apparently they fought over something very minor. And my Dad; I think a big part of his reluctance to go back to Kluang to visit his family stems from pride. It's a pity, isn't it? That one would rather have his face than have a good relationship with his kin. I didn't use to care, but recently as I think and pray for my family I feel God nudging me to bear a greater testimony for Him - if these petty quarrels and torn relationships are to be restored in the long run, it is going to be through Him, and for Him.


It is going to be a long, long, long run, but I believe it can be done. =)


Happy Chinese New Year, everyone.



Monday, February 05, 2007 @ 11:48 PM
one, two, three!

There are three things I want to blog about, but I can't think of a title that sums them up. Which explains what you see above. I don't know whether to laugh or to cry at my creativity.


One. I had a sudden urge to post up pictures. Not of a particular event, but of a particular characteristic - the ones that struck at my memory!



They make Lit and NJ so dear to me.


What can I say? I am thankful, and can never be thankful enough for njchoir.



We look... juvenile here. Oh, the days when neoprints were all the fad.



Believe it or not, this was my first real sandcastle. Before this I only knew the use-the-single-pail-to-scoop-sand type of sandcastle.



The best people I've ever worked with!



The saddest farewell...



Spot the pattern in our poses? It was spontaneous really! Besides my sis who decided to do a victory sign. -_-



Music. My life would have been unimaginable without it.



Another group of amazing people I've worked with!



Still look juvenile here, I don't know why...



My vibrant cell group! I say that because we have kids all the way to young adults. =D



Red never held much meaning before njcsc.



Funny that this was more memorable for me than prom itself. Taken when we were heart-attacking the night after prom at the hotel!



Happy feet. =)






How can I ever ever forget Bardolino?



Our attempt to take a cool picture failed quite miserably but oddly I still like it.



Taken in the blue days, when boys were becoming men and so they got a little confused.



My love-hate relationship with China - a bit of love, because of views like this.




* * *
Two. I want to gush about food today.


The pumpkin cake, yam cake, carrot cake, sesame seed paste I had in Chinatown with Mav Roy and Rhod today is amazing.


Since I have no pictures I shall attempt to describe the food with my humble literary skills. *clears throat* Here goes!


At first sight, the pumpkin cake looks clownish, with its bright orange colour juxtaposed against green parsley and sesame seed bits. But the colour combination grows on you, especially after you first taste it. With dark red chilli (is it sambal? I have no idea) placed by the side, a chunk of pumpkin cake dipped in chilli enters the mouth, and BOOM!


The intense flavour - sweet but not too sweet, salty but not too salty - and the smooth, smooth texture of the steamed cake followed by softness that is just right as you sink your teeth into its orange goodness, is out of this world. Plus it is not too oily, which makes for some sort of a healthy dessert, if such a thing ever exists (sounds paradoxical to me).


We each bought the pumpkin cake home (because we are good fillial children haha otherwise halfway on the train we would have gone wild and ate all of them up anyway) and all of our parents loved it, so I guess that speaks volumes about how glorious the cake was?


I seriously think we might get withdrawal symptoms the coming days cos we don't have pumpkin cake to eat.


I'm conditionally salivating even as I type this. ahhh.


Food. My life would be unimaginable without it, too.




* * *


Three. Was feeling philosophical recently (my nicer way of saying that I felt bored) and read ' The Power of Purpose' - a book that caught my eye in the humble library at the plaza because the font in the cover was huge. Something urged me to borrow it; perhaps it was my searching for a solid footing.


Anyhow, it revealed to me three levels of thinking, whenever one does something.


Level 1: How will this thing I'm doing help me?


Level 2: How will this thing I'm doing look to others?


Level 3: How will this thing I'm doing help others?


Thinking in level threes, apparently, fills one with a continual sense of purpose. It's rather true.


I realise I'm often hovering between levels 2 to 3, sometimes more in 2, and (alas!) sometimes in 1, too.


If we all start thinking in level threes, the world would be a better place wouldn't it?


Just thought I'd share something I found quite, quite inspiring - I want to think in level threes more often, that's for sure. =)



Friday, February 02, 2007 @ 12:22 AM
just imagine.

In case you're wondering why I posted that earlier entry again, it's because I'm entering a blog contest at youth.sg! Thanks to counterpart, who roped me in. =) If I really do win that phone, it will be divine. ahhh.


The past two days, I've been on a health-awareness streak. The sedentary lifestyle I'm leading is sort of getting on my nerves, and so I made a mental goal to get down to exercising at least three times a week. And I did it! To date I have cycled twice and jogged once, since last Sunday. I'm crossing my fingers that this keeps up, because knowing myself sometimes the devil called laziness has a very strong hold on me.


While cycling and jogging, unfortunately, I let my mind wander to the near future. No prizes for guessing - results day.


The night before, I'll prolly put a candle in front of me. And sit cross legged on the floor. And take deep breaths till morning comes to calm down.


Nahh maybe not. My sleep is my everything.


On the way to nj, I'll prolly puke on the bus. Or suddenly break down due to acute nervousness syndrome.


Maybe I'll get off at sixth avenue and walk all the way to nj in solitude. Hurhur.


In the hall, I might isolate myself at the balcony while the entire school teems with excitement below.


When Miss Ng calls my name, I might pee on the floor.


When the slip of paper is in my hands, it might get torn into pieces.


Or, on a much much much nicer note, I might scream in joy. When I am over the moon I tend to run around the vicinity in circles. I might do that too. Honestly!


Whatever it is, I am both anticipating and dreading that day. The worry and anticipation's like a worm, crawling into and out of my consciousness without warning. I can't help it, though I very much want to.